Любовь дает - это ее призвание. И принимает любимого таким какой он есть. И себя такой какая есть.
Любовь трудный дар. Его несешь годами и иногда он давит на плечи. Это благословение через которое иногда трудно проходить. Принимать то, что возникает в тебе не от любви, а от голода и позволять этому пройти мимо не проникая внутрь и не отравляя любви.
Мое раненое дитя получило новую жизнь сегодня. Теперь оно исцелится и наконец сможет быть тем, к чему призвано - светом дающим.
Любовь существует в разных измерениях и у нее тысячи обличий. Но пока в сердце ее дар и чистота - она любовь неизменная.
Теперь я пойду вперед и буду знать, что я люблю и готова принять это и отдать.
То чего не хватает в моей жизни ... Б-г может дать мне все! У него тысячи способов дать мне то, что мне нужно и даже то, чего я хочу. ОН может утолить мой голод. Надо только просить.
Я хочу быть счастливой женщиной. Я хочу чувствовать себя любимой, возлелеянной.. я знаю, что Он может мне это дать.
Теперь я знаю, что не потеряю его. Скорее наоборот - найду. 

Holy Blessings

Baruch Adonai ha'mevorach le-olam va'ed.

Praised be Adonai, to whom our praise is due, now and forever!

ברוך אתה ה' אלהינו מלך העולם, שהכל ברא לכבודו.

Transliteration: Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha‑olam shehakol bara lichvodo.
Translation: "Blessed are You, LORD, our God, sovereign of the universe, who created everything for His Glory."

ברוך אתה ה' אלהינו מלך העולם, אשר יצר את האדם בצלמו, בצלם דמות תבניתו, והתקין לו ממנו בניין עדי עד. ברוך אתה ה', יוצר האדם.

Transliteration: Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha‑olam, asher yatzar et ha-adam b’tzalmo, b’tzelem d’mut tavnito, v’hitkin lo mimenu binyan adei ad. Baruch atah Adonai, yotzeir ha-adam.
Translation: "Blessed are You, LORD, our God, sovereign of the universe, who creates man in your image*, fashioning perpetuated life. Blessed are You, LORD, creator of man."

Hebrew: Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Ha’Olam, Sh’hecheyanu, V’Kiyemanu, V’Higianu LaZman HaZeh.

Pronunciation: bah-rooch ah-tah ah-doh-noye eh-loh-hay-noo meh-lehch hah-oh-lahm, sheh-cheh-hee-yah-noo veh-kee-yah-mah-noo veh-hee-gee-ah-noo lahz-mahn hah-zeh.

Translation: Praised are You, the Eternal One our God, Ruler of the Cosmos, who has kept us alive, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this moment.

An old Diary.

I found my diary today.. The year 2005-2006..  I'm shocked to find out what a happy life I've led back then.. probably never even knew it.
It's so strange suddenly to discover that I used to be happy..
It feels now as the last year of my life.. my own life. My real life. I saw things and met people, went to the theatres and libraries.. read books, studied..  I had no money and much less comfort than I do now and still I was full .. of life and living.
It all stopped that night.. I'm living somebody else's life now. And it wears me out. I used to have so much fun. To take so much pleasure in simple honest things that I knew and that belonged to me.
Old movies and great books. Long talks and still longer thinkings..
Now it all gradually died out. I seldom see anyone. The last time I had a real Talk .. it's been ages ago. I never go to theatre or library or anywhere. I don't want to stir or move. I do my everyday duties but it gives me no pleasure. I try to find a way to share my life with my kids but they are too young and I relapse more and more into myself.
There's a gulf deeper than anything between the life I lead outside and the life I live in my heart. I begin to forget when was it the last time I really laughed..heartily!
I've been lonely and suffering all my life. I've often thought of being dead in my heart.. But never have I really been more so than I am now. Not exactly dead.. but dying..  Living a life where I'm anything but myself.  There seems to be less and less connection between my thoughts, my real self and my everyday life. I live with the people who don't know me. Or if they do it's not even one tenth of what I really am. At least I hope it's so. I hope there's more to it than that insipid life I live. 

Dreams again

Something troubles me deep inside..  I long for.. I ask.. But I have no reply..  I always have those troubled dreams when my loneliness is suddenly awake.. I dream about the man whom I call my first love.  My first feeling, first time I really cared and my first cut..  It all begun with my opened heart.. I opened myself to a man.. a very young man, who was in trouble, who needed help, understanding, feeling. I gave what I could. I can't say it was ungratefully taken. We were good friends. And our feeling was mutual. Pure and real feeling. No romance at the time. Just feeling.
Then it went through my longing and his not being there, through my waiting and his never coming, through my loving and bleeding and his never knowing. The cut was deep and it was crucial..  When he finally came, and loved, and was mine..  It was not the same. Most of my love had withered and died before he knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me..  So it was a beginning of a romance that could never live.. The beginning of an end. It continued through his loving, and my being lonely.. And my leaving him, although I still loved him, for someone who was just a passing time..
But the echo of that first cut.. waiting and longing in vain still lives within me. And comes back time after time with those dreams.. When I wait or look for him and the moment is close, the kiss is almost on my lips, his hands almost got me.. then in all suddenly ends! Someone or something stops me or he's just not there. Those dreams are always painful and waking up always make me feel even more lonely .. more pain, more longing, more and more.. 

Visiting Guam - USA. First time on Guam, first time US territory..  The island is nice also I can't claim to have seen it properly yet. Feels very vocation style and very military style to me. Also we are staying in a Sheraton Laguna Resort - the tourist - vocation spot it feels military even here. Today there was a party here.. Men in uniform, women in nice dresses.. Very private. Very "we support our troops" style..  The Ocean is majestic! Never seen such skies before! The beach it all volcanic stones so not for the kids now. We're going to PIC the day after tomorrow so the white send beaches are still waiting for us. Surprised not to see so many stars as I've expected. I wonder how it might feel to live permanently in a spot where most people are just passers by...  Might feel like you're being left behind all the time. Stuck..
Flowers are beautiful! But the hotel is a disappointment.. looking forward to going to PIC.
Thoughts of you today.. the same as every day..  I could talk hours and hours about all I see around me with you..
Thinking of pain again. But not today.. Today I'm just going to sleep now

Sometimes the pain is just unbearable! almost 6 years.. 6 years when everyday is pain and misery inside. Be it the happiest or the most unhappy day the pain will be at the bottom of it all! And the longing! Longing just to be with you.. to be near you, touch you, see you. I wrote you hundreds of letters.. What do I do when the pain overcomes me!??  The world where I can't see and feel you like I used to seems to be such a narrow place! I felt you many times but was it really from you or just my longing? I can never say! And I can't see you! Not even in my dreams! You are just not coming.... In these long 6 years how many times I've seen you in a dream?   Three, four?? I become the worst version of myself everyday.. more and more.. sink deeper and deeper cos there's no you beside me to make it all right! To make me myself again!! To love me, to improve me! You said I'll never disappoint you.. but sometimes I fear you'd disgust me if you saw me as I'm now.. Or may be you do see me?? Than what do you think?? I long and fear to know!
The tears are running down my face now their source is forever there! I can't bear the thought that you are gone and I'm left behind!! I'd be yours.. You are my man and I will be your woman forever! No matter what happens all that I am.. all that I really am is forever yours!
He must know what he's doing! I know He does! But He also must know how painful it is.. How unbearably painful!!!!!

waiting...

Waiting makes time stand still.. Waiting without any certainty. With hope that sometimes is feeble and sometimes is more than any certainty! If my body could suddenly show everything that my soul is.. what would it be like. I'd certainly be bleeding, there'd be deep wounds, never healing.. what else? Dirt? so frightening to know the exact state of one's soul! I'm not ready for such a discovery.. But if once I should.. I beg Him to help me to see my soul with the eyes of love just like he watches it everyday.. otherwise I'd be crushed!