Something troubles me deep inside.. I long for.. I ask.. But I have no reply.. I always have those troubled dreams when my loneliness is suddenly awake.. I dream about the man whom I call my first love. My first feeling, first time I really cared and my first cut.. It all begun with my opened heart.. I opened myself to a man.. a very young man, who was in trouble, who needed help, understanding, feeling. I gave what I could. I can't say it was ungratefully taken. We were good friends. And our feeling was mutual. Pure and real feeling. No romance at the time. Just feeling.
Then it went through my longing and his not being there, through my waiting and his never coming, through my loving and bleeding and his never knowing. The cut was deep and it was crucial.. When he finally came, and loved, and was mine.. It was not the same. Most of my love had withered and died before he knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me.. So it was a beginning of a romance that could never live.. The beginning of an end. It continued through his loving, and my being lonely.. And my leaving him, although I still loved him, for someone who was just a passing time..
But the echo of that first cut.. waiting and longing in vain still lives within me. And comes back time after time with those dreams.. When I wait or look for him and the moment is close, the kiss is almost on my lips, his hands almost got me.. then in all suddenly ends! Someone or something stops me or he's just not there. Those dreams are always painful and waking up always make me feel even more lonely .. more pain, more longing, more and more..
Then it went through my longing and his not being there, through my waiting and his never coming, through my loving and bleeding and his never knowing. The cut was deep and it was crucial.. When he finally came, and loved, and was mine.. It was not the same. Most of my love had withered and died before he knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me.. So it was a beginning of a romance that could never live.. The beginning of an end. It continued through his loving, and my being lonely.. And my leaving him, although I still loved him, for someone who was just a passing time..
But the echo of that first cut.. waiting and longing in vain still lives within me. And comes back time after time with those dreams.. When I wait or look for him and the moment is close, the kiss is almost on my lips, his hands almost got me.. then in all suddenly ends! Someone or something stops me or he's just not there. Those dreams are always painful and waking up always make me feel even more lonely .. more pain, more longing, more and more..
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