An old Diary.

I found my diary today.. The year 2005-2006..  I'm shocked to find out what a happy life I've led back then.. probably never even knew it.
It's so strange suddenly to discover that I used to be happy..
It feels now as the last year of my life.. my own life. My real life. I saw things and met people, went to the theatres and libraries.. read books, studied..  I had no money and much less comfort than I do now and still I was full .. of life and living.
It all stopped that night.. I'm living somebody else's life now. And it wears me out. I used to have so much fun. To take so much pleasure in simple honest things that I knew and that belonged to me.
Old movies and great books. Long talks and still longer thinkings..
Now it all gradually died out. I seldom see anyone. The last time I had a real Talk .. it's been ages ago. I never go to theatre or library or anywhere. I don't want to stir or move. I do my everyday duties but it gives me no pleasure. I try to find a way to share my life with my kids but they are too young and I relapse more and more into myself.
There's a gulf deeper than anything between the life I lead outside and the life I live in my heart. I begin to forget when was it the last time I really laughed..heartily!
I've been lonely and suffering all my life. I've often thought of being dead in my heart.. But never have I really been more so than I am now. Not exactly dead.. but dying..  Living a life where I'm anything but myself.  There seems to be less and less connection between my thoughts, my real self and my everyday life. I live with the people who don't know me. Or if they do it's not even one tenth of what I really am. At least I hope it's so. I hope there's more to it than that insipid life I live. 

Dreams again

Something troubles me deep inside..  I long for.. I ask.. But I have no reply..  I always have those troubled dreams when my loneliness is suddenly awake.. I dream about the man whom I call my first love.  My first feeling, first time I really cared and my first cut..  It all begun with my opened heart.. I opened myself to a man.. a very young man, who was in trouble, who needed help, understanding, feeling. I gave what I could. I can't say it was ungratefully taken. We were good friends. And our feeling was mutual. Pure and real feeling. No romance at the time. Just feeling.
Then it went through my longing and his not being there, through my waiting and his never coming, through my loving and bleeding and his never knowing. The cut was deep and it was crucial..  When he finally came, and loved, and was mine..  It was not the same. Most of my love had withered and died before he knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me..  So it was a beginning of a romance that could never live.. The beginning of an end. It continued through his loving, and my being lonely.. And my leaving him, although I still loved him, for someone who was just a passing time..
But the echo of that first cut.. waiting and longing in vain still lives within me. And comes back time after time with those dreams.. When I wait or look for him and the moment is close, the kiss is almost on my lips, his hands almost got me.. then in all suddenly ends! Someone or something stops me or he's just not there. Those dreams are always painful and waking up always make me feel even more lonely .. more pain, more longing, more and more..